Month: August 2012

Uncertainty.

Took this picture on the way back to the hostel after ice cream. Well, Moscow, you know how to comfort me :).

I was talking with my friend about security and certainty.

I am a naturally uncertain type of person. I am random. I don’t plan. I am impulsive sometimes. That’s why I always prefer to have someone or somewhere I can turn to or lean on when I am like… in the middle of no where.

As lucky as I am, I have some people like that in my life.

Like today, when I received the news about visa, I literally felt nothing. I was having my lunch at that time and all I could think of was: “Well, I need to finish my lunch first and then we will see”. I was not scared or panic or anything like that. I was indifferent.

I came back to the hostel and shorted things out quickly. I am so blessed that I have my friends who are willing to help me anytime :). Then at that moment when things were decided, I lied down in my bed, looking at the ceiling and I did want to swear. I am badly sick and I am all alone and I don’t know what is waiting for me tmr. I felt bad. For a moment, I wanted to screw the rest and come  back to Vietnam, eat my mom’s food, be taken care for by my dad, meet my friends.

I was literally in the middle of nowhere.

Then I talked to my friend who had the same situation with me and I realized he was feeling even worse. I tried to cheer him up, using all that small amount of positive energy that I have left, since I thought now we only had each other, no one could do anything for us, we couldnt expect anyone to understand us coz they were not in the same shitty situation as we were.

Then in the middle of all these, I got a random message from Reiko. And I busted into tears, feeling relieved coz I was understood.

And Chau gave me a call. It was very safe and sound just listening to her voice and to the noise in her place over there, though we didn’t talk much.

I remember when I was having conversations with Scott during IC there were more than one time I was amazed and talked to myself that: “Gosh, he knows me well. He just knows me so well”.

I was happy eventually coz I felt blessed having those people who understand my flaw, my vulnerable side, who know a me without any shell, who will always be there for me.

For me, it’s already more than certainty.

I am a lucky girl.

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St. Petersburg.

Muốn viết rất nhiều về St. Petersburg. Đã type một entry rất dài, nhưng rồi không hiểu làm thế nào mà biến mất @@. Có lẽ những gì tuyệt vời ở St. Petersburg quá nhiều để có thể viết thành câu chữ.

Chỉ biết rằng, tôi yêu thành phố ấy. Yêu cái cảm giác cô đơn và tự do, cảm giác bình yên, cảm giác thấy mọi thứ thật đơn giản và rõ ràng mặc dù những con phố St. Petersburg luôn khiến tôi lạc lối.

Tôi yêu St. Petersburg vì tôi đã có thể đi thật chậm trên những con phố tinh tươm ấy; lắng nghe thanh âm của thành phố; ngửi thấy nhiều mùi hương trong không khí.

Tôi yêu St. Petersburg vì những người hôn nhau trên phố, vì những quán cà phê trên vỉa hè ngập nắng, vì hoàng hôn lúc 10h tối, vì những cơn gió rất khác nơi tôi từng sống.

Và vì khoảng thời gian 3 ngày ngắn ngủi được sống với những mảnh vụn vỡ của bản thân. Giản đơn, không che đậy.

 

 

 

Lost in Moscow.

I told Peti I would write a book about me getting lost in Moscow haha.

But it’s a good thing eventually. Because Moscow is gorgeous enough to get lost. No kidding.

I was waiting for boarding alone, again. Almost of my flights, I was alone, sitting in the departure, listening to all kinds of sounds, the voice from the speakers informing flight information, people talking; and smelling the smell of food and cosmetics from the duty free shops. I was often all by myself. Almost 12 hours waiting for transit in Sharjah without any sleep at all got me exhausted. I could hardly keep my eyes open. But when I stepped out from the airplane, the blue cloudy sky of Moscow immediately put a curve on my face. At that moment I knew I would love this place.

When I was on the train to city center, looking out through the windows, I saw the forest. The green foliage and brown trunks. The  fertile land. The first thing that came to my mind was that it was so green, so different from the land of Doha with blue sea and deserts. The sun lights and the winds in here were not the same to the ones that I experienced everyday in Doha, either. It’s just another nature in front of my eyes.

And yeh, as predicted, I got lost when it came to the metro thingy. I didn’t have a clue what all of those sign posts were about because none of them was in English. For a person with zero ability to recognize direction like me, it was totally a nightmare (Not to mention, I was carrying 3 bags with me). I took the wrong train and it took me to somewhere over the rainbow. I tried to ask people around but almost no one spoke English.

An interesting thing about people here is that they are very fast. In the metro, people walked pretty quickly. Lots of them didn’t even relax on the escalator. They were all listen to music and didn’t care about what was happening around.

As interesting as it is, Moscow seems to have 2 different layers of life in one city. Underground, there is complex and confusing metro system where you can find people from different classes. I have met a group of young people singing in the metro station for money. I have met men in fancy suits with a smart phone in his hand. I have met beggars. Young and old people. Decent and reckless ones. And underground, you could easily find a beautiful image of woman holding a bunch of flowers in their hands or young people kissing. I saw it in almost every train I have taken. I felt like after my Indonesian journey, this was the first time I looked to different parts of this society again.

Up above, when you got out of the station, you came to another layer of Moscow. It was neat and tidy. The buildings and the roads were very structured and everything seemed to be very organized and standardized.

Indeed, it’s very different from Doha.

I was very happy looking into every new aspect. It’s a moving feeling when in different places unfamiliar to your hometown, you manage to find out how people live :). It amazes me every single day.

When I got out of the station, I immediately caught the smell of a familiar vapor from the streets. It was raining. I remembered how I missed this smell during past 2 months. I guessed Moscow liked me. That was why it welcomed me with the rain and made me feel like I was at home.

I got to the hostel with the help of some nice men and beautiful Russian ladies. Some helped me to carry the bags. Some showed me the direction. Some helped me to call and bargain with the taxi. I knew I was always a lucky girl. Haha.

The hostel that I am staying is situated on a small and decent street where all of the buildings are designed with similar outlook.

I went out, walked down the streets, wandering. The chill wind blew through my hair and  touched my skin. The lights from stores, shops and clubs sparkled.

I felt like I could cry, realizing how I missed that feeling.

The feeling of being lonely and free.

Russia. I don’t have a clue.

No matter how many emails from him I have got, I still love the way he subjects every single one. So personal and private. It always makes me feel like I want to pour down every single thought of mine to that tiny composing window. To him.

As strange as it was, I received his email while I was writing him at the same time. It has been always like that. In a sense that I cannot explain.

I just replied to him, informing that I would be off to Russia this Thursday. I told him I didn’t have a clue which places I would go and which things I would do during that one week.

Yeh, I don’t have a clue. All I could think of to bring a long was a notebook, a pen and a camera, to capture and write down all my reflections so that I can share them with him when I am on the go. Just like what he always did for me.

 

 

 

To feel strong.

 

The sea’s only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head. 

-Into the wild

In the mood of penning down random stuff.

1. I got a new book :D. The last song by Nicholas Sparks. I watched the movie before and now I wanted to read the book. Just couldn’t help it when I was in the mall last night, though the main purpose at the beginning was to go buy medication for my hair.

2. Ramadan has been a great experience so far. Though I couldn’t fast due to the negative reaction of my body, I love the Ramadan spirit, especially the call for prayers every evening at around 6:25 PM. It’s a moving feeling when in a unfamiliar place, you discover how people live and eat and sleep, what they believe in and how strong their religion belief is. Yesterday, Kifah invited my to her place to have iftar (The first meal of the day to break your fast). Feras, Kifah’s friend, brought home cooked food from his house. We had rice with chicken (Believe me it’s the most wonderful rice and chicken in the world) and cake for dessert. It was so good! After iftar, I listened to them pray :). Though I couldn’t understand a word, I found it beautiful.

3. Yesterday, one of the interns gave me chocolate and said thank to me for what I have done to settle down the speeding ticket thingy with him when noone said a word. Another intern came to me and said: “I don’t know how things would go without you”. Lol. In the end, they were the ones who made me cry and brightened up my days at the same time.

4. Need to plan for my trip to Russia. Don’t know where to start. This is the hardest part for a random traveler who has never planned for travelling like me @@. But this time with the shortage of money, I need to plan.

You know who I am.

“Deep inside every soul
There’s a sadness on the verge of climbing through
Now don’t you try and fix it, why would you do that?
How beautiful when sadness turns to songs

And I’ll walk through dangers
I’ll dance with strangers, but they’ll never understand
We’ll never be defenseless
We’ll win this war against them
Don’t you doubt this, yeah I’m sure we can
And who cares if they don’t ever understand
And I love you because you know who I am”