Uncertainty.

Took this picture on the way back to the hostel after ice cream. Well, Moscow, you know how to comfort me :).

I was talking with my friend about security and certainty.

I am a naturally uncertain type of person. I am random. I don’t plan. I am impulsive sometimes. That’s why I always prefer to have someone or somewhere I can turn to or lean on when I am like… in the middle of no where.

As lucky as I am, I have some people like that in my life.

Like today, when I received the news about visa, I literally felt nothing. I was having my lunch at that time and all I could think of was: “Well, I need to finish my lunch first and then we will see”. I was not scared or panic or anything like that. I was indifferent.

I came back to the hostel and shorted things out quickly. I am so blessed that I have my friends who are willing to help me anytime :). Then at that moment when things were decided, I lied down in my bed, looking at the ceiling and I did want to swear. I am badly sick and I am all alone and I don’t know what is waiting for me tmr. I felt bad. For a moment, I wanted to screw the rest and come  back to Vietnam, eat my mom’s food, be taken care for by my dad, meet my friends.

I was literally in the middle of nowhere.

Then I talked to my friend who had the same situation with me and I realized he was feeling even worse. I tried to cheer him up, using all that small amount of positive energy that I have left, since I thought now we only had each other, no one could do anything for us, we couldnt expect anyone to understand us coz they were not in the same shitty situation as we were.

Then in the middle of all these, I got a random message from Reiko. And I busted into tears, feeling relieved coz I was understood.

And Chau gave me a call. It was very safe and sound just listening to her voice and to the noise in her place over there, though we didn’t talk much.

I remember when I was having conversations with Scott during IC there were more than one time I was amazed and talked to myself that: “Gosh, he knows me well. He just knows me so well”.

I was happy eventually coz I felt blessed having those people who understand my flaw, my vulnerable side, who know a me without any shell, who will always be there for me.

For me, it’s already more than certainty.

I am a lucky girl.

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