Month: October 2012

“Through chaos as it swirls…”

Photo: From Ha Linh’s blog

Sometimes I wondered if I missed the man of my life haha :)).

But “what we missed, we missed. And what we see under the sun is what we get”. :)

My phone randomly played that song today when I was talking to my friend. And all the memories, all of a sudden, flashed back.

In the middle of the conversation, I told him: “Let me know”, when he was hesitating to tell me some random stuff. And I startled since it was the way you always asked me when you “smelled” something wrong with me. If we were together, you would looked into my eyes and with the most tender tone of your voice, you said: Let me know. And if we were not, I still could hear that tone and feel that look. And those 3 little words were just enough to break all the shell that I wore :).

I remember how I told you my stories. How I were frustrated, unreasonable, selfish in front of you. And how you still embraced all these and handled me at my worst :)). And how gently wrapped your arms around me and told me: “It’s fine. We will figure this out together”. I remember it when you said: “Let’s meet/Let’s take this trip/Let’s do this/that together.” I remember how calm and certain you were to me.

For 5 seconds, I felt I missed you so much that I could die. I wanted to call you and hear your voice. But soon, I realized I only missed those feelings. And it naturally put a curve on my face.

I also wondered if you were telling someone the same stories that you told me. I do hope you have someone and you are happy. You know that I was, I am and I will be always thankful for the time we had together and for you always making me feel like I was only girl.

For me, where you are, what you are doing, who you are dating now is no longer important since I know you are living your dreams, just like I am. That’s where you find happiness. And for me, it’s enough.

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“Whatever happens tomorrow, we had today.”

– If I can’t talk to you, then what is the point of you? Of us?

– I love you, Dex, so much. I just don’t like you anymore. I’m sorry.

– I got to know you. You cured me of you.

Watched One Day for the 10th time, I guess. And still cried my heart out like the first time.

“What’s the point of you? Of us?”

Em.

I had this talked with Reiko last night.

When I complained about my evening hunger and being stuck in the office with an aching head and an empty stomach, waiting for the guys to come back, she told me I should hire a male maid who is strong, entertaining, quiet, mentally normal, knows how to cook and clean and doesn’t like women, to take care for me. And she added: “Or you should come back home after this year, I will take care for you. When you are far away like this, I’m so worried.” And when I told her not to worry, I would be a good girl, she said: I will not spoil you any more. You always say you will be good but then you just do whatever you want, even the things you know are not good for you. 

I busted out laughing, because she knows me so well.

And at the same time, I realized that I always had and needed someone.

When I said goodbye to Jean after IC, she held me so tight and told me: You are strong. You don’t need anyone to take care for you. But girls are girls after all. Yesterday, after the meeting, I was lazily answering some emails when I not on purpose glanced at the clock on my laptop screen and realized it was coming to the end of October, which means that I have been here for almost 5 months. 5 months. 7 months to go.

I’m surprised about myself for still enjoying everything coming since honestly, I don’t have that “someone” here. I learned to embrace all the differences in perspectives and be more independent and responsible for myself. I urged myself to eat and sleep. I rarely skipped meals. I didn’t depend on anyone. And I think I’m doing well. I don’t ask for more.

But sometimes this sense of being totally on my own killed me. I miss that feeling of tender happiness, when you feel like there is a light in your heart just by being around someone and knowing that they are there for you to turn to, love you as much as they love themselves, regardless of your virtues and flaws.

I miss my friends.

I felt real tired of the sound when the finger tips touched the laptop keyboard, the noise when it was interrupting in the middle of a skype call, the blurry video chat.

And I wanted to just run up to one of them and give them a hug and cry my heart out. I wanted to listen to Chau scold me for not eating well. I wanted to drive to Rei’s house at late night and sit by the white dinning table, talking about random things and waiting for her to cook for me. I wanted to go out with him on one fine Saturday morning, sitting next to each other, having hot Earl Grey; he would work on something and I would read my book.  I wanted to hear him call me: “Em ơi”. I wanted to wake up in the afternoon after a mega nap, being surrounded by the scent of essential oil and the warmth of blanket;  and dinner was just ready.

– Go. I’m good here. 

– No. I’m not leaving until I see you smile. 

– Come on, I’m actually laughing. 

– No. A real smile. 

That was absolute happiness. Absolute peacefulness.

Julie.

“Some people say getting closer to 30 makes them feel old, like the options are starting to disappear and they need to settle, become more responsible and miss their younger days. Sure, when all your friends or colleagues are getting married, having babies and buying a house, you start feeling like it’s what you should do too and what you should want. The pressure is there.

However, I feel like I have more possibilities than ever. Earlier this year, I decided to stop caring about what I think society expects me to do because I realized “society” really doesn’t give a shit about what I do. With age and maturity come a greater sense of freedom and confidence. When I compare myself to 20 year old Julie, I feel much more powerful, confident and wiser. I tackled most of my insecurities and don’t care as much about other people’s opinion of me. I have a greater sense of who I am, what is important to me and what I want, and I feel I have the power to make it happen.”

Never let me go.

On replay recently.

Cause baby we were born to be bad,
Move on,
Built to go fast,
Stay strong,
Honey, you and me and no one,
Just believe,
Come on.

Baby it’s a sweet life,
Sing it like a song,
It’s a short trip,
Only getting one who can count on my love more than anyone,
Never let me go.

If you love me hardcore, then don’t walk away,
It’s a game boy,
I don’t wanna play,
I just wanna be yours,
Like I always say,
Never let me go.

Why am I so lame and random?

My boy PP’s debut hihi (heart)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE

However, he’s so meannnn not letting people emb his video. Such a mean and sarcastic man. But he’s so sweet and adorable and authentic and talented and humble and everything at the same time! That’s my boyyyyyy!

Now I’m falling in love with him all over again. So sweet (heart) (fangirl face).

Wanna buy allllll his coming albums :”>.

Oh just realized this will be 200th post of mine woooohooo! I’m glad this is a random happy post xD. Good remark!